Find The Best Dental Plan

I’ve been feeling depressed since middle school..the worst I’ve felt was in 8th grade when I planned to overdose myself and wrote a goodbye letter and everything, but I was too scared to go through with it, wimp that I am, too scared to go on with life then and too scared to end it. It was the pressure. Pressure from both my older sisters, both are about 10 and 9 years older than me and they’re still living with us because my stepfather wants them to focus on going to dental school. They’ve always stuck together; I’m always the odd one out. I’ve no best friends , all of them have moved away each year, so I have no one to talk to. I have two close friends, but every time I try to talk about something serious to them, like how I’m feeling so stressed, they don’t know what to say and it’s just..silence, so I have to change the subject and act like im okay. One of my sisters, we have always fought against each other, and she has always won because she is like the leader of my family..she’s loud, mean, selfish, prejudiced, overweight, spoiled, but intelligent, she’s at the top of her classes at school so no one has any doubt she’s going to become a doctor easily..she always yells at me, in my face, whenever I mess up the littlelest thing or when I don’t follow what she says like what classes not to take in high school and calls me stupid and retard and ugly, and im not a confrontational person, im weak I know that. And then she always goes off and talks about my idiocy to my other sister, sometimes right in front of me. And she and my stepfather make me study for SATS three hours everyday, im a sophomore, and keeps stressing me and pressuring me and she keeps shouting and shouting and saying that she’s doing it to help me, but the way she does it she suffocates me and I’m scared I’ll do bad on the SATS cuz im a stupid person like she says I am even though I know I’m not completely stupid because I’m in the top of my class, but it’s just so..hard to be optimistic anymore. Every moment of my life, every day, I always find myself wishing desperately that I can just go and take the bottle and drink it all and just end this life because nothingness is better than what im feeling now. It’s the wimpy way out I know and I know that I have a whole life ahead, but I just don’t care! I don’t know what to do. It’s not just my sister, it’s my mom. She’s Vietnamese and the strictest and most protective over me because im her favorite. She won’t let me go anywhere or do anything cause she still treats me as a kid and still expects me to do well at school. No one can tell her anything because she’s just one of those moms you can’t tell anything personal to, so I can’t tell her anything either. And can’t tell anyone the whole thing..there are other issues that I have that I can’t tell. I just, I want to freakin end my life. I want to do it soon. But im still trying to hang on because a part of me knows that it would be wrong. That all I have to do is endure it all and say nothing and keep it all inside like I have been doing all my life for the next 10 years with my mom, my oldest sister whos 25 is still living with us because both my parents want her to stay here and she doesn’t care anymore. I can’t..i won’t be able to continue like this for the next ten years like both my sisters have. They have no life so now they’re trying to control me, act as my parents by controlling who I should or should not hang out with, that I should only hang out with people of my race and who are smart, that I AM dumb and I have to be reminded of that everyday. And there are other..big reasons why i am feeling this way, i just cant tell it here.. I need, I just need someone to answer back, to tell me that im not alone in feeling this way and just..endure it for the next ten years. Because I really am afraid..that I am going to drink that bottle pretty soon and leave no note this time.

You’re not alone in feeling this way.

You’re not dumb. Every family has problems, and everyone thinks about ending it at least once in their life, even if they will never admit it out loud to anyone, ever, as long as they will live.

Things always get worse before they get better, and I know that’s not a lot of consolation, but my point is that things will get better. If you aren’t happy, it’s your life, and you can’t allow others to force you to be so unhappy that you would rather be dead than be here. I know you feel like you could never tell them, and I’m not saying you SHOULD tell them, but if your mother and sister knew that you would rather be actually dead than living with them for the next ten years, I bet you they would let you leave. It might be the hardest thing you ever do to live through this, and to get away, but you will be alive, and you will have a chance at life.

You’re not alone in feeling this way. Please email me if you want to talk, cdsmith87@yahoo.com, I don’t know you and I won’t judge. I’ve been where you are.

3 Responses to “I feel like I don’t want to go on living anymore?”